LDB updated v2.10.4.jpg

Episode 05 - Spiritual Teacher Candace Van Dell: Get Real About How You Feel & Heal

IMG-2980.jpg
IMG-2979.jpg

As a highly sensitive person Candace felt highly misunderstood; she was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking medication that numbed her feelings for the next ten years. An out of body experience at age 16 changed everything for her; she got off the medication and started to feel her real self again. Being highly sensitive is a gift that Candace uses to help others heal emotional wounds, getting rid of belief systems  and recognizing toxic relationships. She brings so much light and clarity to difficult subjects,

she is a joy to listen to.

Candace Van Dell joins Life Done Better to share ways of learning to love yourself through treating yourself right, facing fear, and her path of spiritual healing through her personal experiences and coaching. Candace traded in her life as a model and actress to become a Spiritual Coach, certified in Spiritual Psychology, and helps her clients heal emotional wounds to live an authentic life.

TIMESTAMPS:

2:32 - Jill and Candace talk about how they met and their instant connection at a casting

3:15 - Candace shares her experience being born with ADHD and a heightened intuition, how she medicated in order to cope, and what it felt to leave the medications behind

7:00 - How Candace discovered Spiritual Healing and her out of body experience, which prompted her to finally leave her medications behind

9:58 - Jill asks Candace how to detect emotional wounds and recognize toxic relationships

13:20 - How to give yourself the permission to feel and heal

15:16 - Candace shares experiences about her career transition, what prompted her to leave the modeling industry and begin Spiritual Healing and how her intuition guided her to live a more authentic life

21:20 - The impact Candace has on her clients, their response to her work, and what it means to her

23:08 - Candace gives advice for those who know the changes they want to make in their life, but not sure how to get there - and how to learn to treat yourself right and love yourself.

27:30 - What changed Candace's mind and convinced her to do her first triathlon

------------------------------------------

Follow Jill on Instagram: @_modelsdoeat

Follow the show on Twitter and send us questions: @_lifedonebetter

Hosted by: Jill de Jong

Guest: Candace Van Dell

Produced by: Mike Thomas

Theme Music by: Chris Porter

Sound Engineer: Michael Kennedy

Medical Disclaimer

Content here and in this podcast is for informational purposes only. It does not substitute any medical advice, and does not replace any medical judgment by your health provider. Always seek a licensed physician or professional provider for health related questions and issues.

Narrator 00:00

From Curtco Media.

 

Jill de Jong 00:02

This episode was recorded pre COVID at Curtco Media’s Malibu studios. Candace Van Dell is my soul sister, and was my very first guest for the Life Done Better podcast. She brings so much light and clarity to difficult subjects. She is a joy to listen to. Life Done Better. This podcast is produced for all the unicorns who strive to create a life on their own terms, don't take life too seriously, and are on a mission to make a positive impact in this world. In this show, we're getting real about daily struggles and obstacles and how to best navigate through difficult times and challenges in life. So you can make better decisions for yourself and feel healthy, confident and aligned. Feel less alone and more connected. We're in this together. From my heart to yours. Candace and I met seven years ago at a casting. She came up to me and asked with a big smile if I was Models Do Eat. It's funny how we get indentified as our Instagram accounts these days. We instantly connected we exchanged numbers got together for lunch that same week. And from that moment on, we became soul sisters. When we get into conversations, we get sucked in it for three hours and always feel so energized and happy afterwards. In these conversations, we share the real stuff, The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly. At times, we wished we had recorded the insights the clarity and giggles. This girl is so insightful, smart and authentic. She is a treasure that I like to share with you. Candace traded her modeling and acting career to become a spiritual coach helping her clients heal emotional wounds. She is certified in spiritual psychology, and an IN health coach. Candace has a successful YouTube channel and offers online healing courses around emotional wounds, toxic relationship dynamics, and self love. She teaches people how to give themselves permission to heal and live an authentic life. Candace, welcome to the show.

 

Candace Van Dell  02:16

Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

 

Jill de Jong 02:18

Candace is you recognized me as Models Do Eat. And I remember your Instagram account was called The Truth Room, because you were all about sharing your truth with everybody.

 

Candace Van Dell 02:27

Yes, that's true. 

 

Jill de Jong 02:28

But I do remember just your big smile, and you coming up to me. And I was like, wow, this, you know, like, she just looked like an angel to me. And when people say, oh, yeah, let's hang out. Oftentimes, you know, you don't. And you called me right after the casting. And you're like, Let's go for lunch. 

 

Candace Van Dell  02:43

Girl, I don't mess around. I just remember seeing you. And we were both actually asked to be coaches on this TV show, this web show. 

 

Jill de Jong 02:50

That's right. 

 

Candace Van Dell 02:51

And that's why I remember seeing you that day in the studio. And so when I saw you at the casting, I was like, that's the one. That's the girl and if it's not whatever, but I think that's the girl. And then we just started talking. We didn't want to stop and I think we almost missed the casting. Yeah, we

 

Jill de Jong 03:05

Yeah we didn't care about it anymore. We just like, you know, you're now, we didn’t care about it. You know, yeah. Do you remember what the casting was for?

 

Candace Van Dell  03:12

I sure do. Can I say 

 

Jill de Jong 03:13

Yes.

 

Candace Van Dell 03:14

Botox? 

 

Jill de Jong 03:15

That's really funny.

 

Candace Van Dell

I think we were there to meet each other. I really do.

 

Jill de Jong 03:20

And we really did not get the job. We looked too good.

 

Candace Van Dell 03:22

That's right. At least that's what we said. 

 

Jill de Jong 03:26

That's why we'd like to believe. 

 

Candace Van Dell 03:27

Yeah.

 

Jill de Jong 03:28

All right, Candace, I want to dive right in. You were born with a heightened intuition and an emotional sensitivity. You were diagnosed with ADHD. Your parents followed doctor's advice to medicate you. But it was numbing your personality and your feelings. Now you were telling me you had an out of body experience at age 16, on your birthday. And you get off the meds soon after at age 17. Can you tell me a bit more about this journey and guide us to your big ‘aha’ moment, breaking free from the medication, and what happened after that?

 

Candace Van Dell  04:02

Oh, how much time do we have? I remember actually had a conversation with my mom last week about it. And she said, I finally want to give you your baby book. And I was like, uh-oh, why? And she goes, cuz you understand things much more than we ever did. It was kind of amazing, because I remember actually, around two years old when people say oh, the terrible twos. It wasn't that for me. It was, I was feeling so much tension in my house with my parents and what they were going through and I didn't know how to express it. And that continued through my childhood, of being great in really nice environments. And then when there was toxic things not being talked about, I would react like I was the one letting it all out for you. I didn't have words for that. But that actually created a lot of stress for me in school, I couldn't focus and instead of focusing I would have like imaginary friends, I would not really pay attention in school but then get all the right answers for like whatever they are asking me to do. 

And at one point, the teacher went to my mom, who's also a teacher and said, we're concerned, like she's doing long division problems. And she's not doing the long division, like, how does she know the answers? Is she cheating? 

 

Jill de Jong 05:13

And how did you know? 

 

Candace Van Dell 05:14

I just knew, I looked at it. And I saw certain things. And I would just know the answer was really strange. I can't still can't explain it. And so I went in for an IQ test, and they were like, your kids a genius. So anyway, what they decided to do, because I was, you know, intelligent, but doing things differently was to put me on Ritalin. So I would do it their way. And um…

 

Jill de Jong 05:34

On what age did they start you on?

 

Candace Van Dell  05:36

Seven. So that was the start of me feeling this, like I'm in jail. They got it wrong feeling that I lived with for a really long time. And my mom —

 

Jill de Jong 05:45

Could you feel your personality change, like, do you remember? Like, the difference?

 

Candace Van Dell 05:49

Yeah. I felt numbed out and nervous all the time. And I was on the drugs for 10 years. So just to skip forward, they would take me off the drugs in the summer. So I would grow because it was stunting my growth a lot. I was always the tiniest, smallest little kid. They would take me off the drugs in the summer, and I'd have the best time. I don't really remember my school year. I remember my summers because I was just me 

 

Jill de Jong 06:13

But you were out of school.

 

Candace Van Dell 06:14

I was out of school. 

 

Jill de Jong 06:16

And you weren’t causing any trouble. 

 

Candace Van Dell 06:17

No trouble. No need to focus.

 

Jill de Jong 06:19

Yeah. Do you think that a lot of other people that may be highly sensitive, have been diagnosed with ADHD and are actually misdiagnosed?

 

Candace Van Dell 06:29

I coach a lot of parents because they're like, look, we don't want to medicate but we don't know what's going on. And now I know what's going on it's attention dial to a higher dimension ADHD for me, and most cases not all have I'm not saying it's not real, I'm saying it's misunderstood. Attention dialed to higher dimension for me was as soon as I brought spirituality into my life and mindfulness, my whole life changed. And see what we don't have in schools, we don't have that higher realm of really knowing who we truly are from the inside. We're guided outside, we're guided to disconnect from inner guidance and look for external cues. And even though that works for society, it doesn't work for our empowerment. And so when I started waking up to this in my teen years, because thankfully, my parents had gotten a divorce. My dad started dating this woman who was a spiritual healer. 

 

Jill de Jong 07:16

Oh, so that's the turning point. 

 

Candace Van Dell 07:17

That was the turning point. I think I was 11. And she said to me, there's nothing wrong with you, you have a gift. And I remember being like, what's that mean? I don't want something different. I don't want to be different anyway. She's like, No, it's not like, you know, you're better than anyone. You're just different. And they don't understand you. But we do. And I was like, whoa, I'm gonna be fine. And then what happened on my 16th birthday is I was at this convention center with 2,000 kids from around the world, talking about God and talking about spirituality and talking about at the time religion. And what was interesting was, I remember looking up at the big, you know, this huge TV screen of a preacher preaching all these kids. And all of a sudden, I think it was the vibration. I, it sounds weird. I lifted out of my body. And I started looking around the room and everyone I looked at looked like me. I was like, whoa, even the preacher, I saw myself on the screen. I'm like, and then I knew something was going on, but I didn't really know what so I remember looking at my friend, Megan, I go, do you see yourself right now? She said, what are you okay, but are you okay? And like her touching me, brought me back in. And I remember thinking to myself, there is no separation. Everyone is you. And everything started dropping. And so that's when I stopped taking the medication.

 

Jill de Jong 08:31

Wow, how like, how do you decide being on a drug for 10 years, your parents obviously having, you know, the best intentions, putting you on it. But now knowing that you know, you've always had weeks or months in summer that you're like, wow, I can really feel different. And I feel so much better. I'm like myself, and I want to constantly feel like this. But how do you then decide to really go off?

 

Candace Van Dell 08:53

I was going to Japan, and I got really scared that, uh-oh, like my old wounds started coming in, that I'm not going to be good enough, that I'm going to mess this up in some way. And I know this is what I'm supposed to do. I can't mess it up. It's got to be perfect. So I was taking medicine like two times a day or three times a day at that point, like little little doses. And they wanted to put me on a time release so I didn't have to worry about it because I was gonna be in another country. I had castings all day. So they gave me these time release pills. It was one a day and I was really happy about that. But it was way too strong for me. And it took away my appetite and I lost like 20 pounds in a month. I was already so skinny. I lost 20 pounds in a month I was 90 pounds when I got to Japan and they were like, we can't work with this. You look sick.

 

Jill de Jong 09:37

Oh gee.

 

Candace Van Dell 09:38

I got home and I said, wow. Something is making me different than I am and all I’m supposed to be in this world is what I truly am. I'm taking myself off and I just cold turkey. And there was no problems. I went to college after that got straight A's like there was no problems. What I learned to do was do it my way and make it work. Wow. Well,

 

Jill de Jong 09:57

Wow, well I applaud you for making that decision and for not, you know, letting a drag on more right? Because you can be on it for many more years or decades before you actually realize that you're not living your you know your potential and and here you are with me in the studio talking about all this because you're so aligned with what you do and I'd like to like touch on emotional wounds, you talk a lot about emotional wounds. And unlike physical wounds that we can see how do we detect emotional ones?

 

Candace Van Dell 10:25

Gosh, there's so many different ways. You know, when you have insecurities, you have a lot of triggers, relationships trigger you in certain ways you're afraid to speak up, you're afraid to shine, you have anxieties, all these things direct you towards a belief system that is not aligned with who you truly are. And we're not taught that in school so people don't know what to do with it. I'm chronically insecure, I'm chronically anxious, I need to take a pill. I'm always like, well, maybe but let's try this first. Let's do some inner work. Let's find out. What does that trigger? Let's dive into it. I like to get really real about how I feel so I can heal. That's what I tell everyone get real about what you feel, don't just say have anxiety. What is it saying? Give it a voice. 

 

Jill de Jong 11:02

Right. What would it be saying? If it could say something? And oftentimes I hear when I when I coach my clients? Like, I don't know that. And then I say, but what if you would know? And then you know, just so they they feel invited to give an answer, and not hold back. And you don't have to say it perfectly. You don't have to know exactly how to express yourself. But give it a word to me and why I brought you on the podcast because I feel like this is something that we all need in our lives. We all need our Candace in our lives, a Candace instead of ADHD medication. And so you also talk a lot about toxic relationships. And how do we recognize if we are in a toxic relationship?

 

Candace Van Dell 11:46

Okay, so there's many different forms, but kind of back to what you just said about when you speak about what you're feeling. So so many people are in relationships, and they don't talk about it's like, oh, that's normal, or reminds me of when I was growing up. So it feels similar. When you talk you de shame yourself. Right? So what I say to people is just tell me the truth about what you're going through. Nine times out of ten a toxic relationship is basically the biggest sign is anxiety. Are you having anxiety, do you feel like you can't be who you truly are in every moment? You're on eggshells, you're not sure how they're going to be. That's a form of codependency it's a form of energetic codependency and relational. And what that means is, I can't be me and still feel connected to you. If that is in your relationship, you're in a toxic relationship, our relationship should be I’m me, you're you, and together even better, or we at least allow each other to be exactly who we are without judgment. And so I see, you know, hundreds of clients a month, almost everyone has some form of something up in the relationship, because we haven't been taught how to be totally empowered in ourselves, and not look to the other person for that power, not look to the other person for what, what are we doing our identity. So a real toxic relationship is, in my opinion, marked by anxiety or depression.

 

Jill de Jong 13:01

You know, people that hurt people are hurt, right? And so I find that really powerful. Because oftentimes, you know, like, we will look at people that hurt other people, or bitchy or you know, just not kind, if you can turn it around like, well, you know, there must be something going on in their lives, that it's really messed up and start feeling compassionate and also approaching them that way. That's where power is right. When you say, hey, I see you're really angry right now. And I don't think it's directed to me. How are you doing? 

 

Candace Van Dell 13:29

Yeah, and you know, it takes empowerment even come from that place. Because so often we're giving permission slips away, like, I don't have permission to own what I'm really feeling until you confirm it to me. Like that's a huge issue. I like to teach people to give themselves permission to heal, meaning, well, what do you feel, you validate it yourself, you don't need it from anyone else who's not living inside your body, validate yourself move forward with aligned action, okay, I'm feeling this, this is real. I'm going to go forward. But what we oftentimes do is we're like, I'm feeling this, but maybe I shouldn't, or maybe I'm feeling it because there's nothing wrong with me or maybe don't question what you feel, move towards it. And some truth will come forward to validate what you're feeling.

 

Jill de Jong 14:08

Yeah. Because what you feel is yours, and no one else can say anything about it. I think that's where we're going to take a little break because we are going to talk next about your transition from acting, modeling, to being of service as a spiritual coach.

 

[Ad Break] 14:32

 

Jill de Jong 15:33

So Candace, being in the spotlight as an actress and model, living a Hollywood lifestyle that many dream of, and then retreating to Malibu and being of service is quite a big change. How did you make the switch? Was there something specific that happened that made you decide it was time to change careers?

 

Candace Van Dell 15:51

I just was wanting this for so long and didn't know if it would ever really happen to let go of that world. But it did. And it did pretty gracefully. Honestly. I was at the point of sabotaging my last relationship. So I thought I thought it was me sabotaging. So I didn't know yet. And what I what I was really doing was running from things that weren't working for me and not knowing how to have a boundary and say, this isn't working, I'm going. So I create things to make myself have to leave. And I didn't want to do that pattern anymore. And I realized that my career was part of it. I was in this system that was based on externals, right? 

 

Jill de Jong 16:30

All about looks.

 

Candace Van Dell 16:31 

Yeah, all about looks. All about what everyone else thinks of you, all about, oh, you can't make money unless you do this right. It was just really controlled by a system that I did not internally agree with. So I had this internal fight all the time of why can't I just agree with this, it's my livelihood. It's really fun. It's what people say is so cool. But my inner world was saying I hate this.

 

Jill de Jong 16:52

And and I do remember so many occasions where I was still, you know, like very much into it. I was like, Hey, this is my main job. You know, this is what's paying my bills, you are bitching about the drive from Malibu to Hollywood, Beverly Hills to castings. And you're like, Oh, I'm going to quit, I'm going to quit and we're going to quit. And I'm like, really? I mean, you know, it's always the money, right? Because it's kind of like an addiction where you're like, Wow, this is cool. And there's more money. And there's, you know, there's always that next phase where I'm like, yeah, it's not exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. But before you know, you're 15 years into it.

 

Candace Van Dell 17:24

Yeah, it's definitely a vortex that you get sucked into. I really remember early on, I always wanted to reach my highest potential. Now I thought that meant rich, famous success, like the best guy you’re dating, like all of this shit, they tell you, which is not true. And I, I thought, well, why do I, why am I so unhappy when I'm doing the dream? Like, I'm crazy to quit this. I'm working every day, I have what everyone would want in this business.

 

Jill de Jong 17:55

And they applaud you for it. 

 

Candace Van Dell 17:56

And they applaud you for it. And they're like, wow. And I remember thinking, what's wrong with me that I am not feeling this. And I felt bad for complaining. And I felt whatever. Like with you, I would call you and I'd be like, oh my God, why am I going I don't want to be doing this. And I finally said, you know what, you're obviously not in alignment with your soul. Time to do that. So it's pretty easy for me. I think I was 30 at the time. And I remember meeting my now husband, and I told him I'm really really unhappy. I don't want to do this anymore. And he's like, okay, what do you want to do? I was like, I want to be a spiritual teacher, I want to do what I came here to do. I want to do what fulfilled me made me so happy as a kid. I believe that I have this ability to shift things in that field, and I want to do it and he's like, okay, let's do it. So I had that support. And I remember, so I applied to school at University of Santa Monica, for spiritual spiritual psychology. And a week after that, and things have been really fast. I got this casting test.

 

Jill de Jong 19:02

When you get clear on things, things happens really fast. You make decisions.

 

Candace Van Dell 19:05

Totally. And I got this casting for this huge show to be the lead. And I was like, oh my god, I'm dumb. This is when I'm gonna make it, I got to do it. Didn't want to, gotta do it. I auditioned for it. Wow, it's up to you and one other girl. I'm like, I'm going to get this series and I'm going to be stuck in this career. And why am I complaining about lots of money and fun, because I don't want to do it. And so I call my agent one night and I'm like, I'm really sorry. I can't. And I started having a meltdown. I started crying like my soul was screaming, do not do this. And I didn't know why. But I felt it. So he's like you're making a big mistake, blah, blah, blah. And then after that, you know we didn't talk for a while. I went into school full on I started shifting from my social group into the spiritual fun group. 

 

Jill de Jong 19:48

You have to surround yourself with different people too.

 

Candace Van Dell 19:51

It was everything for me. Then I'm still modeling and with Willamina I've been with them forever. We're friends and stuff and I was I would go in there be like look, I only want to do things that are aligned with my brand now. And they're like, okay, and then I got the Lululemon thing and like all these things started aligning, and it still didn't feel good. I was like, no, this isn't it. So hung on for a few more years. And then finally it was almost like I needed a big event. On my 40th birthday, I was like, complete. Now I'm done. I have the permission inside myself to fully align with everything I'm doing and go all in. As soon as I went all in my whole vortex love that word today, opened up. And everything started rolling. I did this YouTube video for my friend, she's a celebrity actress. She had this YouTube channel called Your Zen Life. And she asked me, she's like, I want to share what you're doing. You're changing lives. And I hadn't done it professionally yet. I was just in school and graduating from school. And I just started sharing things with people. And she's like, you need to be on my channel. So I did a video and I got 100 emails that week about wanting to coach with me.

 

Jill de Jong 21:00

I see those emails come in. I'm like, wow, she's you know, she's going for it. 

 

Candace Van Dell 21:04

Oh, you’re on my newsletter.

 

Jill de Jong 21:06

Yeah, and you know, what I really love about following you on Instagram is that people really write in, they share about what they're going through, they thank you, because they have never really either shared their feelings like that before. They've been highly misunderstood. And so I feel that you are the epicenter of a huge shift in society. I think it's amazing that you have committed to that path, because it's not easy. And you know, you are dealing with a lot of drama, and but you convert it to something more positive and happy and an empowerment.

 

Candace Van Dell 21:42

Thank you for saying that, and it almost made me a little emotional, because it's my dream. You know, people freak out. They do. They write me deep messages every day. And it's so incredible. But I believe, you know, people always say, what's your why? Like, why are you doing what you do? Why? Because I needed what I am when I was them. I'm talking to the young me that had zero emotional validation. I have this monthly membership group that I host called The Truth Room. And I have 200 members right now from all over the world. And we come together every week. And they they cry, and they say, I don't feel alone anymore. It's the first time I feel understood. And I say, well, here's your here's your tribe. And people always ask me, like, how did you find your tribe? And I said, I didn't, I had to create it. Yeah,

 

Jill de Jong 22:26

Yeah, you teach what you needed to learn most 

 

Candace Van Dell 22:29

Yes. 

 

Jill de Jong 22:30

And that's way more powerful than just learning something from a textbook. And going alright, let me tell you what to do.

 

Candace Van Dell 22:35

There is no textbook of what to do. No, this is what I went through. And I hope it's going to help you to find a better way to make better decisions to —

 

Jill de Jong 22:43

To live a better life.

 

Candace Van Dell 22:44

To love yourself, as yourself your true self. And I think you have to have courage to go out there in a way that no one else does. Because maybe you'll be rejected, but maybe you won't. And what I find is to be able to validate one person in their pain, when you're alone in pain you're suffering, when you're with others in pain, you elevate and that's the reality. And so when you get really truthful about it, and you know, you're not going to be judged, you rise and you can act and that's what we're all searching for is can I be connected to being who I am? So I love it. I mean, there's nothing better.

 

Jill de Jong 23:20

For people that do know what they, you know, what's kind of missing in their lives? How can they take action to take excellent care of themselves? Because knowing and doing is, you know, completely different, right? And what is the the thought that could lead to the action?

 

Candace Van Dell 23:36

Yeah, I love this question. So what I started doing is I started waking up every morning, because now I had the ability to make choices based on me not on a career, not on someone's opinion. And it was really like, wow, this is exciting. It's scary. So I was having a lot of like, chill downtime. And I said to myself, What would someone who loves themselves do? Ooh, oh, my goodness, someone who loves themselves would not be drinking wine when they're inflamed. Someone who loves themselves would say, sorry, honey, can't share in the desert, you really want me to eat because I love myself more than the pain I’m going to experience. I started having to make decisions that made me feel a little bit left out again, decisions that made me feel a little bit different. But in doing that, I always felt better. I always felt like well, I'm aligning with me over you. I'm aligning with me. And if you still accept that, wow, we're a healthy friendship, or we're a healthy relationship. And my husband started loving it after a while because he's like, oh my God, you're so good. You're so much happier. You're so much better. So I knew that that was not a toxic relationship. And I built this really beautiful loving relationship with myself. I was having a toxic relationship with my damn self which is why I had a toxic body.

 

Jill de Jong 24:45

Wow, yeah, yeah, it's it's a big one to actually like, be honest about.

 

Candace Van Dell 24:50

Totally.

 

Jill de Jong 24:50

Oh, you know what, I'm actually not treating myself right or I yeah, I'm in a toxic relationship not and not pointing at someone else because when you are pointing at someone else, there's also three fingers pointing back at you.

 

Candace Van Dell 25:00

What was also you know, taking responsibility, but realizing I was living again, for survival, money, right? Can't you know, can't eat right? Can't do this right gotta work. 

 

Jill de Jong 25:12

You’d have to be picture perfect. 

 

Candace Van Dell

Picture perfect. I was also living for just other people in a way and I came back to myself and I was like, what would happen if you totally lived for you. And all of a sudden more and more took years to do all of that, because there's so many dimensions to this. And I designed my lifestyle to work for me, rather than work for anything or anyone else. And that's when I was like, whoa, there's something in this. So initially,

 

Jill de Jong 25:39

So initially, you felt maybe a little bit excluded. Yeah. And then, you know, really, truly on like on, being honest to yourself, and taking the extra steps that you need it to be happier, you actually felt more connected, because the relationship didn't really change. It was just that you stood your ground years ago started saying I don't drink, I would get a lot of resistance, like, Oh, why don't you drink? You start getting really uncomfortable explaining why you don't drink? And then I came up with one simple answer. And it was so wonderful. And I still use it today. Because it doesn't make me feel good. 

 

Candace Van Dell 26:12

Totally.

 

Jill de Jong 12:13

All, all you need to know.

 

Candace Van Dell 26:14

But see, what you just said was the key word feel. And that's what people don't think about when they're doing things sometimes. And what I learned to do is, I'm going to live in alignment with what feels good to me, regardless of you. And when you do that, you don't feel the pressure, even though you see it, you're like, well, they're obviously not doing that maybe I'll be the example of it because I ain't gonna change it. Once you really start to love yourself. It's a word. But when it integrates in your body as a feeling and a lifestyle, there is no compromise. There is this unapologeticness about your life where you're like, there is no choice I'm going to do what someone who loves themselves does.

 

Jill de Jong 26:48

And I think that's truly what embodies sexy, a sexy person, a confident person, when you see someone and it doesn't mean that, you know, it doesn't mean that that person has to be in the best shape, or you know, like look, you know, look like a model or at all, it's in so many little things that can make someone feel like that star or a bright light. And that, to me is more sexy than anything.

 

Candace Van Dell 27:11

I think what you're talking about, I've been noticing this in people lately because it's really attractive, right? It's this energy. It's almost like this integration. Like you're wow, that's a complete person. That makes sense. The way they dress the way they talk the way they feel. Whoa, I like that. It's this attraction that is unspeakable, really. But you know it when you see it because you feel so good around it. 

 

Jill de Jong 27:33

They’re unapologetically themselves, they’re real.

 

Candace Van Dell 27:25

Hell yeah. 

 

Jill de Jong 27:37

Yeah. I love that. So I I've been doing triathlons for the past three years, I feel more motivated to train when I sign up for a race and I feel so healthy and strong. And I spent more time in nature, so it's a win win for me. Last year, Candace said you wanted to do your first triathlon, you first said, no, I don't really swim. But then you changed your mind a few weeks later, tell me what the battle was in your mind. And what made you say I'm doing it?

 

Candace Van Dell 28:04

Well, can we talk on fear a little bit? Yeah. So this past year and a half has been a monumental transition for me of losing so many things that meant so much to me. And I was forced into this insane amount of emotional pain and actually emotional joy that came from that and what it really was was me facing any and all fear that I still had, you know, losing my job, love of my life, losing my house in a fire, like crazy things happen this year. And all my clients were like, How are you so good still, and I said, it made me better. Because I'm more in my body. I'm not out there, putting my fear on things that can leave. I put it in me saying I'm going to be as loving as I can, as I face fear. And so when Honey Bee passed, it was right around the time you were asking me to do this. I was like, I can't handle it. And then what happened was I’m like, no, that's what's changed for me is anything that really scares the shit out of me, I'm really excited about and I think people let fear change their minds. But I'm excited about expanding in ways that I'm maybe not amazing at yet. Or, you know, I don't need somebody to confirm that I'm enough. I know that I am. So knowing that and coming from a place of fullness, things aren't scary. It's scary when we think we need something outside of us or we won't be enough or it's like the weirdest thing that we do as humans.

 

Jill de Jong 29:28

Absolutely. We deny ourselves amazing experience because we're scared. Candace is it was such a pleasure to talk to you. I hope everyone that's been listening in has felt the radiant energy that she exudes. She is so beautiful. I'm gonna post pictures of her so you can actually see the beauty behind this wonderful, warm voice. Thank you so much for being my very first guest on the podcast 

 

Candace Van Dell 29:52

So special, thank you from my heart.  

 

Jill de Jong 29:53

You've made me look like a star. 

 

Candace Van Dell 29:55

You are.

 

Jill de Jong 30:00

Hey, It's Jill. The one thing we cannot buy more of is time. Time is precious, and I am so grateful that you chose spend time listening to my podcasts. There's a lot more I'd like to share with you. So don't forget to subscribe to Life Done Better on your favorite podcast app and stay in touch. If you have a question or a topic you want to hear discussed in the show, shoot me a message on Twitter @_LifeDoneBetter. We all deal with a lot in our lives and it's freeing to talk about it openly. From my heart to yours. Thanks for listening. 

 

Narrator 30:49

From Curtco Media. Media for your mind.